Saturday, January 31, 2009

Crying it out

Soooo My kid has a new habit where he climbs out of his crib and runs all around for an hour and a half before bed. its super awesome.. okay not really. In any case he was doing this last night. I happen to have a friend staying with me because she has suffered immensely due to the recession. She and I were taking turns putting my toddler back into his crib where he would climb out and start his nonsense over again.

Suddenly he stopped then started crying. We just figured that he was crying because he was mad that he could not stay up with us and watch Ed Wood or something....

The crying continued... and continued until it got FRANTIC and I went in to make sure he was okay since it is unusual for him to get frantic when he is just mad. I walked in on my kid hanging by the seat of his zip up footed jammies out of the crib.

Here is where I am a terrible Parent. I instead of immediately rescuing my poor child burst into PEALS OF LAUGHTER... big hee Haww laughter. The kind where you snort. I then called my friend who also burst into laughter and finally when I calmed down a little got my kid and comforted him.

No I forgot to get a picture.... I just have a witness.... and not even 5 minutes after I put him back in bed he started it again.

Evil Keneevil Or what have you.

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Friday, January 23, 2009

You should thank me for not drinking (otherwise we might have had to brawl)

My friend Laura and I went to the local tex-mex joints (well one of them) that is billed as a family restaurant. She has a one year old and my son will be two in less than a month. We were eating and My son started his two year old crap where he stands up and stares at the people in the booth behind us. Every sentence I said was punctuated with "Sit down son" where he would sit still for a few seconds and proceed with his silly stuff again.

Well I needed to clean him up but first I was moving anything that could cause more mess away from his area and wiping the table down. This takes maybe 3-5 minutes. That is about how long I was distracted. During which time my filthy food filled kid apparently drooled and touched the 8 year old girl behind hims hair. The guy sitting there went off. He started with something along the line of "hey can you get your kid to sit down?" That was not a problem, I have no problems with people who are having legitimate issues with my kids behavior for whatever reason, like I said, I was distracted a little. The thing is he continued before I could respond with a "no problem" He then started in on how filthy my kid was and how he was drooling (which he wasn't because he is not in drool mode) and how he was harassing them and had done so the ENTIRE MEAL and how this poor man and his family had to put up with it. My friend Laura snarkily remarked "must be nice that your kids must have come out perfect. Did they come out at age 5?" I believe I also stated "Wow you must be the parent of the year"

Then he said the scary part "No, I just have CONTROL" it was this point that we realized that his whole family was sheepishly staring into their food. Laura then said, "I bet your kids are afraid of you." To which he replied "I trained them. to be this way!" Laura then continued to battle with him a little while I sat quiet and then said to Laura "wow, this guy is so not worth the effort of talking to. Leave the parent of the year alone."
I then proceeded to finish cleaning my kid (because after eating he was filthy, that is what toddlers do) and then held him and let him scream until the Father of the year left the restaurant.
Laura then remarked "I bet he thinks he has control, I bet his kids are home schooled.... and I bet his daughter still gets pregnant before 18 years old."

Even the server was like "wow that family was weird"

I just had to laugh, what goes around comes around you know... But secretly, I think he beats them.

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Thursday, January 8, 2009

Remembering Cheese Restriction

I got the same birthday card EVERY YEAR for many many years. I think I still have at least one floating around. It has a flow chart on it and one of the boxes said "do you like cheese?" And if you said Yes then it said "eat the cheese!" It also made a cheese comment on the back of the card as well.

Now, I got this card because I love cheese. No really I LOVE CHEESE! its been a standing thing since I read the sweet potato queens that I will have my ashes put into an urn made of cheese. Due to my love of cheese my stepmother would not let me eat any. Seriously. I was on cheese restriction when I was under her roof.

My stepmother hoarded cheese, she had it frozen from when it went on sale, there was ALWAYS cheese, when I got a job, I bought my own damn cheese to spite her and it is still ALWAYS in my house. Various kinds and in various forms, I love cheese.

Previous to my employment my friends took pity on me and my best friend (one of them I have two) actually brought a block of cheese and a cheese cutter to school and gave it to me. I actually carried the cheese around in my pocket all day and ate it. THE WHOLE BLOCK OF IT!

I also had a saying in high school: "Ich habe kase in meiner hose" Thats german for I have cheese in my pants. I truely did have cheese in my pants that day and I was the happiest girl in the world. But i digress....

Lets get back to this card... I received this card every year from people who knew me, some of whom did not know the covert cheese in pants smuggling operation. Everyone knew about cheese restriction.

I am going to cut this short... My sister, my friends from MPHS (more than once), my friends from GHS (twice) and various family members all sent me this card. The only thing I can figure now is that it must be out of print since I have not received it for many years. So sad....

But I did always eat the cheese.

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Thursday, December 25, 2008

Escapes (I found this in my drafts folder)

I awoke this morning to singing from the other room. My son, who is almost two, escaped from his crib yet again. He ran in and immediately unwrapped toys. Thank goodness that he is only almost two and therefor easily distracted. He was playing with the toy that is one of those peg boards that comes with a hammer. He decided it would be a good idea to pull out his busy ball popper and shove the pegs in there. He also was wacking other things with his hammer. Thank goodness he got the hammer one first or else I would have had nothing to watch him open.

He also was trying to ride his tricycle which was amusing because he can't figure it out at all.

I guess I should have been moderately irritated that my son started Christmas without me... instead I chuckled and gave him his Bilibo (which is something awesome and everyone should get their kids one). He opened it and was amused and i made coffee and had a wonderful Christmas.

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Sunday, December 21, 2008

Ode to Lufkin Bars

Sooooo, I got hit on by three dudes last night... A guy with no sleeves on his shirt (a lovely tealish cotton number complete with stains or general grubbiness) We changed bars after this.

at the next bar a guy who was wearing Bermuda shorts and an AC/DC t-shirt (who had a *neck beard* ) He asked what I was drinking and when he found out that I was just holding a drink that someone bought for me and getting more ice in it he asked why I wasn't getting drunk. (We were at a *drinkin' bar*) I told him about the last three times I got drunk (and if you don't know me please see below)... This guy said "Wow baby, you are my type of woman!!!" and then tried to follow me around... Ewwwww. Oh yea and while we were at this lovely establishment some crazed white trash woman licked me twice!!! Come to find out she had something to do with the 2 year old on PCP people that happened in Lufkin recently, All I can say is LOVELY!

But the winner was the guy at the third bar who was so far gone on Xanax or so drunk I couldn't really tell what he was saying... I do know he got into it with the bartender because he didn't have an ID but he was *Jimmys Nephew*.

For those of you not acquainted with redneck tin shack Dive bars I will explain some things as it will set the stage for what is to come. Jimmys is a dive. Its a tin shack literally in the middle of no where. There are confederate flags hung up all over the bar even though dancey hip hop gets played and there is a variety of people in the bar. Everyone knows everyone. There are literally outlaws and the law drinking side by side. To give this guy some credit he got served when he found Jimmys wife and she told the bartender to go ahead and serve him because he was Kin... but make sure he pays for his drinks.
Previous to this guy hitting on me there was a fight between a meth head and some other dude where the other dude was bleeding and kicked out.. but since meth-head is a regular he completed his pool game and continued to get drunk.
Also another crazed woman came up with her scary bleached out hair and black roots and tooooo much bling on and started a fight with a dude because my friend was leaning on him. Never mind that they are friends, my friend in fact got off of him when the scary woman (Medusa like even) ran over there and posted up between his legs and yelled at him for OVER AN HOUR... Poor dude finally got sick of it and went to leave before he beat the woman (honestly I would have done it a while ago if I was him) and got up... she grabbed his watch and started screaming for him to SIT DAAAYYYOOOWWWNNNN (redneck for SIT DOWN) she kept screaming it at him as she wrenched the watch off of him and he finally broke free from her scary cotton candy pink claws of doom. She ran off and immediately started looking for another paycheck... I mean guy to screw over.

With the stage now properly set I give you the ABSOLUTE WINNER OF CRAPTASTIC DUDES WHO HIT ON ME FOR THE NIGHT AWARD!!!!

Well this guy basically marked me as an easy target to get a free beer from... He came up and asked "have you been hit on tonight?"
I said "uhm, yeah"
so he asked "Have you been hit on by a guy as good looking as me before?"
and when I was like.. "why yes, in fact last time I was at this bar I got hit on by the hottest most eligible young dude in Lufkin"
He realized that he was not going to win me over on the hey I am a hot guy hitting on the fatty thing since I don't have low self esteem so he said "uhm.. I pay 1200 a month child support"
I responded with "How many kids do you have???!!!!"
he says "one"
I say... "well I am a single mom, So I guess you make a LOT of money"
He said.. "yeah, but I'm broke, Will you buy me a beer?"
I laughed in his FACE (which was mean but sometimes you cant help it) and then said..
"No, But I am going to take your picture"
So he POSED FOR THE PICTURE TWICE because my dumb behind closed my phone before it was saved....


And now he lives here on my blog... Everyone If a guy that looks like this tries to pick you up remember... if he pays that much for ONE KID then he is probably putting the rest up his nose or in his arm...

*1* the last three times I got drunk : here is what happened... strike 1- I got pregnant... strike 2- after having the baby I went out and almost got into a fight, strike 3- then I tried one more time about a year later and puked before I made it to the bathroom at a greasy spoon restaurant. After those three white trash merit badges that I am sure I can pin on some sort of spandex body suit for large women I hung up my drunkard hat... I will sip one maybe... but I wont get drunk any time soon (if ever).

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