Thursday, December 25, 2008

Escapes (I found this in my drafts folder)

I awoke this morning to singing from the other room. My son, who is almost two, escaped from his crib yet again. He ran in and immediately unwrapped toys. Thank goodness that he is only almost two and therefor easily distracted. He was playing with the toy that is one of those peg boards that comes with a hammer. He decided it would be a good idea to pull out his busy ball popper and shove the pegs in there. He also was wacking other things with his hammer. Thank goodness he got the hammer one first or else I would have had nothing to watch him open.

He also was trying to ride his tricycle which was amusing because he can't figure it out at all.

I guess I should have been moderately irritated that my son started Christmas without me... instead I chuckled and gave him his Bilibo (which is something awesome and everyone should get their kids one). He opened it and was amused and i made coffee and had a wonderful Christmas.

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Sunday, December 21, 2008

Ode to Lufkin Bars

Sooooo, I got hit on by three dudes last night... A guy with no sleeves on his shirt (a lovely tealish cotton number complete with stains or general grubbiness) We changed bars after this.

at the next bar a guy who was wearing Bermuda shorts and an AC/DC t-shirt (who had a *neck beard* ) He asked what I was drinking and when he found out that I was just holding a drink that someone bought for me and getting more ice in it he asked why I wasn't getting drunk. (We were at a *drinkin' bar*) I told him about the last three times I got drunk (and if you don't know me please see below)... This guy said "Wow baby, you are my type of woman!!!" and then tried to follow me around... Ewwwww. Oh yea and while we were at this lovely establishment some crazed white trash woman licked me twice!!! Come to find out she had something to do with the 2 year old on PCP people that happened in Lufkin recently, All I can say is LOVELY!

But the winner was the guy at the third bar who was so far gone on Xanax or so drunk I couldn't really tell what he was saying... I do know he got into it with the bartender because he didn't have an ID but he was *Jimmys Nephew*.

For those of you not acquainted with redneck tin shack Dive bars I will explain some things as it will set the stage for what is to come. Jimmys is a dive. Its a tin shack literally in the middle of no where. There are confederate flags hung up all over the bar even though dancey hip hop gets played and there is a variety of people in the bar. Everyone knows everyone. There are literally outlaws and the law drinking side by side. To give this guy some credit he got served when he found Jimmys wife and she told the bartender to go ahead and serve him because he was Kin... but make sure he pays for his drinks.
Previous to this guy hitting on me there was a fight between a meth head and some other dude where the other dude was bleeding and kicked out.. but since meth-head is a regular he completed his pool game and continued to get drunk.
Also another crazed woman came up with her scary bleached out hair and black roots and tooooo much bling on and started a fight with a dude because my friend was leaning on him. Never mind that they are friends, my friend in fact got off of him when the scary woman (Medusa like even) ran over there and posted up between his legs and yelled at him for OVER AN HOUR... Poor dude finally got sick of it and went to leave before he beat the woman (honestly I would have done it a while ago if I was him) and got up... she grabbed his watch and started screaming for him to SIT DAAAYYYOOOWWWNNNN (redneck for SIT DOWN) she kept screaming it at him as she wrenched the watch off of him and he finally broke free from her scary cotton candy pink claws of doom. She ran off and immediately started looking for another paycheck... I mean guy to screw over.

With the stage now properly set I give you the ABSOLUTE WINNER OF CRAPTASTIC DUDES WHO HIT ON ME FOR THE NIGHT AWARD!!!!

Well this guy basically marked me as an easy target to get a free beer from... He came up and asked "have you been hit on tonight?"
I said "uhm, yeah"
so he asked "Have you been hit on by a guy as good looking as me before?"
and when I was like.. "why yes, in fact last time I was at this bar I got hit on by the hottest most eligible young dude in Lufkin"
He realized that he was not going to win me over on the hey I am a hot guy hitting on the fatty thing since I don't have low self esteem so he said "uhm.. I pay 1200 a month child support"
I responded with "How many kids do you have???!!!!"
he says "one"
I say... "well I am a single mom, So I guess you make a LOT of money"
He said.. "yeah, but I'm broke, Will you buy me a beer?"
I laughed in his FACE (which was mean but sometimes you cant help it) and then said..
"No, But I am going to take your picture"
So he POSED FOR THE PICTURE TWICE because my dumb behind closed my phone before it was saved....

Photobucket

And now he lives here on my blog... Everyone If a guy that looks like this tries to pick you up remember... if he pays that much for ONE KID then he is probably putting the rest up his nose or in his arm...


*1* the last three times I got drunk : here is what happened... strike 1- I got pregnant... strike 2- after having the baby I went out and almost got into a fight, strike 3- then I tried one more time about a year later and puked before I made it to the bathroom at a greasy spoon restaurant. After those three white trash merit badges that I am sure I can pin on some sort of spandex body suit for large women I hung up my drunkard hat... I will sip one maybe... but I wont get drunk any time soon (if ever).


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